Self-Control and Patience

Two of the key skills we learn in solitude are self-control and patience. They’re connected, because the more we improve our self-control, the more patient we can be. Without these two skills we become prone to following our senses and whatever attracts us. Self-control is the time and space you create between the moment when you’re attracted to something and the moment you react to it. Buddhist teacher Rigdzin Shikpo writes, “Desire is something we project outward onto and other person or object. We think it exists externally, within the object of our desire. But desire actually lies in our own body and mind, which is why we relate to it through the feelings it produces.” When we can separate our own feeling of desire from the person we desire, we begin to feel less controlled by it, and we can take a step back and evaluate it from a more detached and less urgent place. Instead of letting your senses lead the way, the gap that you create gives you the restraint to make sure the reaction is aligned with who you want to be. That ability to restrain yourself-to create the space-is enhanced by self-knowledge. Solitude gives us time and space between attraction and reaction. We ask ourselves: Is this truly healthy for me? Will this nourish me? Is this good for me in the long term? We develop the self-control to pause and ask ourselves these questions, and the patience to take our time answering them. We learn the difference between what feels good and what feels nourishing. Often if something is healthy for us, it seems hard before but great after. The clearest example of this is exercise, but it extends into more complex decisions, like giving up a Saturday to help a friend move or breaking off a relationship that you know isn’t working.