1. Batterers do not allow the abused person to have control over herself-the abused copes by handing over the control to the batterers. To deal instead of just coping is to take back control of who you are.
2. Batterers react to situations rather than responding in a healthy manner-the abused copes by getting out of the way. To deal instead of just coping is to reevaluate the relationship as to whether both you and your spouse are getting what you both need in the relationship and to talk about it.
3. Batterers make all decisions-the abused copes by giving into others decisions. To deal instead of just coping is to start making your own decisions as far as who you are.
4. Batterers change the rules-the abused copes by complying with whatever are the new rules. To deal instead of just coping is to ask why the rules are changing and/or decide upon your own rules and live by them.
5. Batterers do not acknowledge the abused emotions-the abused copes by pretending to be satisfied. To deal instead of just coping is to acknowledge your own emotions and to identify what brings happiness into your life and you make it happen.
6. Batterers present a fantasy image of a perfect family the abused copes by living the fantasy and “playing like” it is real. To deal instead of just coping is to acknowledge the truth of the situation and live the truth.
7. Batterers do not communicate or talk with the abused, the abused copes by arguing or having sex. To deal instead of just coping is to explain that sex or arguing does not take the place of honest communication.
8. Batterers act like the abused does not exist. The abused feels invisible. The abused copes by nagging, putting up a wall or playing along. To deal instead of just coping is to find your own identity and interests and follow through doing them.
9. Batterers actions make the abused feel “stuck” and unable to get out of the situation-the abused copes by becoming obsessive and compulsive in activities. To deal instead of just coping is to make a conscious decision about being nice to self and doing so in activities.
10. batterers constantly display anger and the abused feels fear-the abused copes by crying, drinking, drugging and screaming at anyone in order to control something. To deal instead of just coping is to recognize that the anger is within the batterer and the solution is not in the reactive behavior.
11. Batterers batter her physically, mentally, emotionally and/or sexually-the abused copes by blaming herself for not stopping it, shaming herself for not being a “better” wife and/or feeling guilty for not “making” it all better. To deal instead of just coping is to realize that you could not stop your batterer from abusing you and know that a better marriage takes two people being better-one cannot “make” a marriage work.
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