Why “Flight or Fight” Won’t Work

Being so accessible to so many people so much of the time would be stressful even if everyone we dealt with was easy to get along with. The sheer exposure can be overwhelming. But when people are oblivious to our needs, or make a habit of obstructing our goals, or try to control us, or have outright ill will toward us, our stress level soars exponentially. Obviously, dealing with difficult people is stressful for all of us. The question is, how do we handle that stress? The human brain evolved to respond to stressful situations by coordinating a host of simultaneous reactions in the nervous system, the muscles, and the endocrine system (which secretes hormones) that prepares us to either evade a perceived danger or rally the strength to fight against it. These reactions comprise what is known as the flight or fight response. One can easily see the usefulness of the fight or flight instinct when dealing with acute primal threats. If a landslide or tsunami is occurring, you need all that extra adrenaline that’s being pumped into your system to help you run for your life. Encounter a poisonous rattlesnake and you’ll need it to either make a break for it or, alternatively, hurl a heavy rock at the rapacious reptile. If someone is coming at me with a lethal weapon, I’d be grateful to my autonomic nervous system for helping me to duck, run, or perform an awesome series of karate chops that disarm my assailant. But most of the stress we endure as a result of difficult people is not of the acute, immediately life threatening sort. It’s usually chronic, meaning that it’s ongoing instead of a one shot deal. And even though this stress can be seriously draining and debilitating, it’s a more subtle, low grade effect than, say, being hugged by a boa constrictor. Given this, it seems logical that the fight or flight impulse is often not the best response when it comes to dealing with difficult people. That’s not to say, however, that many of us don’t try to employ it usually without success.