Define Love Before You Think It, Feel It, or Say It

We say “I love you,” or wait for the right time to say it, or hope someone will say it to us, but there is no universal agreement as to what it means. For some it means, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” For some people, saying “I love you” means “I wan t to spend the night with you.” Between those two intentions are infinite others, and some of us say it without any particular intention because, in that moment, we just feel something we interpret as love. This leaves a lot of room for confusion, miscommunication, and false expectations. Writer Samantha Taylor says, “The first time I told my now-husband I loved him, we were spending one of those long nights on the phone early in our dating relationship. Back when people actually talked on the phone. Delirious with sleepiness, I told him that I wanted to tell him I loved him but didn’t want to scare him off. “Don’t worry, he told me. “Saying I love you isn’t a big deal to me. I love my mom. I love my friends. I love you, too. Great. He loved me like his MOM. So romantic.” He was telling her that his definition of “I love you” was different from hers: broad, low-pressure, and not particularly romantic. She adds, “Fortunately, he must have grown to love me in a romantic way, because we’ve been married for almost ten years.” We say “I love you” in so many different contexts-with family and friends and lovers-that it doesn’t indicate anything but the presence of some sort of affection. And yet we have expectations based on what we assume it means to the other person. “I love you” doesn’t include commitment. It doesn’t promise you want to have children together. It doesn’t guarantee that you’ll put any effort into making a relationship work. It’s a beautiful start, but not a substitute for many other meaningful conversations.