A Whole Self

We’ve been trained to look for our “better half” or someone to “complete us.” Does that make us the worse half? Does it mean we’re incomplete without a partner? Even if those phrases are said lightheartedly, they set up for dependency on someone else that can never truly be fulfilled. We look to our partner, essentially saying, “I’m bored, entertain me. I’m tired, energize me. I’m angry, make me laugh. I’m frustrated, comfort me. I’m unhappy, cheer me up.” We treat our partners like human Advil, looking to them for instant relief. We’re not entirely wrong to expect this. Partners actually do coregulate each other-changes in your body prompt changes in their body, and vice versa. Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett writes, “When you’re with someone you care about, your breathing can synchronize, as can the beating of your hearts.” This connection starts when you’re a baby-your body learns to synchronize its own rhythms by first synchronizing to your caregiver’s rhythms-and it continues into adulthood. But, as Barrett points out, “The best thing for your nervous system is another human. The worst thing for your nervous system is another human.” Synching with other people can log us in to their bad vibes as well as their good ones. This is why we need to self-regulate, comforting ourselves, calming ourselves down, or pepping ourselves up. If we’re always turning toward others to help us tune how we feel, we’ll stay more like that infant who is incapable of self-soothing and self-supporting. When you’re sad, if you’re lucky your partner will know how to make you feel better. People can and will help us, and that feels good, but it may not be what we need. If someone reassures us that everything will be okay, it’s nice to hear and nice to have their love and support, but what we might really need is alone time to figure our how we can improve our situation.